I’m not going to intentionally toot my own horn here (well I’m kind of going to), but I’m a serious hot commodity in the dating world, particularly on the Internet. And no, before you start asking your spouse, not in the porn star capacity. Though I’ve considered it. 😉
I find myself sometimes-comfortably but almost-always awkwardly sitting in the camp of twenty-somethings:
who dated the perfect man too early and decided in an immature frenzy that he wasn’t beautiful enough to keep around
who then totally slutted it up in college with all sorts of Mr. Wrongs instead of finding a worthy suitor
whose friends are mostly married with child(ren) already and attending baby boot camp on the weekends or shopping at Menard’s
who has already dated or experimented with all of her friends’ friends and therefore can no longer be introduced to or set up on blind dates with that distant third cousin or hot single barista who makes your latte every morning because, well…been there, done that
who serendipitously met, courted, and became engaged to the sex-god-of-a-man at the wrong time in life when self-esteem was low, reactive behaviors were plenty, and all of that combined with caring too much about what everyone thought about it all shattered the relationship abruptly
who are hot enough to now have people wondering why they’re still single and who are on the brink of spilling over into the camp of self-proclaimed-crazy-cat-lady-feminists if they aren’t careful
Or, if you’re like me, you’ve sat or are sitting in all of the above. 😉
Because some of my not-so-great qualities, like being slightly impatient and always wanting MORE, sometimes trump the more desirable attitude of letting go + trusting that you’re exactly who and what and where you need to be, I’ve found myself putting my single lady energy out there in the form of internet / mobile (there are apps for this) dating. It’s 2014 and Internet dating isn’t weird or taboo or something that only people who can’t interact in public use to get attention. Oh my god, there are some SEXY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS on these sites. Professional, motivated, pet-owning, yoga-practicing, do-gooders. Who have no idea that I have such a foul mouth. Single. All for me. TOOT TOOT.
It’s like the best distraction…ever. And also so much more entertaining than most people are aware. I’m not going to write about all of my email chains and first dates and potential future partners, of which there are many. Well, I lie. I’ll probably write about some of the more comical or noteworthy ones at some point. I assume that I’m certainly in the top 5% of women on these sites, not to sound arrogant and self-righteous, but because I have a whopping 250+ messages in my inbox, and a majority of them flat out tell me that I’m a refreshing combination of stunningly beautiful (one of my favorites) and wildly intelligent (though I’ve never understood this one — perhaps because I write in full sentences and actually bother with punctuation of some kind). Of course, because I get to pick and choose what to say about myself in my dating profile, these poor, charming, innocent suitors don’t know that I’m sometimes a Stage-5 clinger with perpetual coffee breath who has super bad habits of leaving every light in the house on and constantly forgetting to take the garbage out on Wednesday nights + who believed until all-too-recently that wind chill was windshield. Because you know, with the windshield, it’s actually going to feel like -15 degrees out there.
So, while I promise to give mostly-full disclosure if anything fun and / or sustainable comes of my Internet dating chronicles, I mostly want to break down some of my current candidates. Take caution. This is going to be humorous, and maybe slightly bitchy, too.
Among my choices:
The man with the freshest pick-up lines: “Are you Google, because you have everything I’m searching for!”
The 21-year old who is somehow able / offering to be my sugar daddy. For real though. I just got laid off, so how much money are we talking about here, and do I have to do anything sexual?
The man named Jawuanathon. Really, Juh-Juan-A-Thon?
The man whose default picture looks like he might be a good partner choice for Beer Olympics if we were to choose a Beowulf theme. But really, where did an IT guy like you get those viking horns? So cute…said no woman ever.
The man who started the convo by asking me if I *really* love Chipotle that much. Yes, I mentioned Chipotle 3+ times in the About Me section of my profile, so what? You’re telling me that you don’t also wonder why Chipotle doesn’t make breakfast burritos? Whatever.
The man who started the convo by letting me know that my entire profile was a disappointment but still wanted to be sure that I know just how great my face looks. Uh, thanks for the…compliment?
The man who I singlehandedly saved from a traffic violation. I’m not sure I can support this one, but nice, solid attempt, buddy. Eyes on the road!
So, now that you’ve met the contenders, you can appreciate my dilemma. Who to choose, who to choose?
CC Be Good 